she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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