Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
two words...techno handjob
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
