Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
