Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
