There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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