she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
