glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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