considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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