i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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