mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
