I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
