why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
