we made out on top of his cat.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You don't make any sense
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