i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
