Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
