You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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