false alarm. still invincible.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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