I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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