Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
