If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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