I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
