My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
