Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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