Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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