Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
