The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
