Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
