She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
