I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
