Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
