Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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