I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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