please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize