when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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