So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
