I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
