I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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