Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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