I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
