It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
