She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
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well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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