I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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