The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear