I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist