These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
