You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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