I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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