i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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