i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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