After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
