I've blown a few things in my day
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
