i need an iv and a liver transplant
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
