Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
