my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
