My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
