I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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