I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
