i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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